i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
