my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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