'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
