A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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