My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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