He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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