its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
sex in a hospital.. check
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
