Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
