She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
