getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
