You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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