can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
