How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
