I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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