I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
