Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
In America we eat man semen.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
