cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
