Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
