No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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