i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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