my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
