I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
