Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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