You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
