wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
