Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Randomize
