u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
