my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
