Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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