You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
