I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
