my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
