My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
