Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just found puke in my bra..
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
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