Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
