My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
