shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
