He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Found the puke drawer
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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