Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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