So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize