lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If I die, sorry about rent.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
