So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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