just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
