Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
