You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
