I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
