I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
