is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
