Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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