I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
