my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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