i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
