my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You don't make any sense
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