do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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