I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
