so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Welp...herpes.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
