So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
