Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
