I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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