Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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