Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
